Still livin'

Well guys, I survived my first semester at the UofC! I wrote a my last exam today, which wasn't a final, but rather a midterm for organic chem. You see, I am taking organic chem 2 through a distance education university, so I am only slightly more than half way through the course (4 more chapters to go!). So I wrote the midterm today.

I was completely not ready for it, but I think it went okay. I definitely got 0/3 on the naming compounds section, but the rest of it was decent...so I know I didn't fail at least...The last question really threw me though, no where in the 6 units being tested did we learn about this question. I made stuff up, and the chemistry worked...I think...

I also got my bike fixed today, which meant walking around downtown with my bike in -29 degree Celsius weather...yup, you read that right. Welcome to Alberta, it better be warmer when I go home tomorrow, BC better not disappoint!

See y'all in 2013! My next post will be written from training camp in Tuscan Arizona.

Great ideas that aren't mine

I constantly have these ideas about how nerves grow or about how to best manipulate them to grow. My latest one involves exercise. There has to be a reason why my nerves won't stop growing, and there is one thing that I do a lot of that most people with nerve damage do not: exercise. Then last week I read an article about how getting rats with nerve damage to exercise significantly reduced their pain levels. The researchers thought that it was likely do to a reduction in inflammatory mediators as a result of exercise. And I was all like, OMG! Maybe I am on to something, maybe the reduction in inflammatory mediators not only reduces pain but improves axon out growth!!

So then this week, I decided to pub med "exercise and nerve regeneration." As it turns out, I am not the first person to think of this, and there are a lot of journal articles published surrounding this idea. Granted, I did think of this entirely on my own, which I guess is a good start, but the world of neuroscientists has already beat me to it.

I would love to be able to in someway come up a novel idea on my own, to be the first one to think of something, to be the one that figures out how to make nerves grow. If I can do that, then maybe all this pain hasn't been for nothing. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, because there is no reason a two year old needs to get cancer or that I need to have chronic pain. I do believe that you can take any situation, even awful ones, and make something good out of it.

I'll keep thinking, and maybe someday I will figure it out.

Will they see it?

I feel like I am constantly working my tush off to try an impress people I don't know and likely will never meet. I study as hard as I can for everything, 10% tests get as much attention as a 30% test would because everything counts, there is no room for error. I don't skip a training session for any reason, not for pain and not for school because maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be the day that will mean the difference between 3rd and 4th. I try to balance my family, friends, volunteering and goals with my own sanity, but the scales always seemed to be slanted this way or that.

Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Yes I realize that I am trying to get into medical school in the very near yet distant future, but will it always be like this? Once, or if, I am in medical school I know I will be doing everything possible to match into the residency spot that I want, and then I will be trying to match into the fellowship that I want, and the secure a job, and then publish amazing papers....it doesn't end!!!

Right now, my concern is that my medical school applications won't show how hard I have been working. My first year of university shows a GPA that is less than stellar, but an admission committee won't see that I spent all day everyday in hospitals, clinics, doctor appointments, dressing changes, pharmacy line ups, on buses and trains trying to get to far off specialists to prevent my right leg from being amputated. I didn't go to class because I couldn't, so I stayed up every night until the wee hours of the morning copying out notes from my friends and studying for quizzes, midterms, and exams. I worked harder than I have ever worked before, but my GPA doesn't reflect that, and I wasn't involved in the community because I was completely absorbed with trying to save my leg without sacrificing my life. Will the admission committee see that? My guess is not, and if I talk it about, it will seem like I am making up excuses for my grades or trying to seek pity. 

I have for the past 2 tests in  human physiology gotten 96%, which you might be thinking is impressive, and normally I would also think that, however, my school only puts letter grades on your transcript. In the Faculty of Medicine, and A is 90-96 and an A+ is 97-100. When I apply to UBC school of medicine next year, they will see my A, and translate it to 87%. Which is almost 10% lower than my actual grade, so I might as well study less, put less effort in and get 90%. Or if I study that much harder (which when you have chronic pain, there is a distinct line which you cannot cross because your mind doesn't function after a while) and get 97%, and achieve that A+ (which UBC translates to a 95). The whole grading system makes me angry, I work as hard as I possibly can, and nobody will see that.

Is this the life I am choosing? Work yourself until you bleed and nobody even notices that you are bleeding? I know you will say that they will notice, but I disagree, nobody will see how much I achieved in the face of the challenges I have overcome or am still struggling with. They will see my grades, ones that don't even reflect my actual grades, they will see I had no extra-curricular activities for two years and they will judge me against other students who haven't gone through what I have.

I am choosing a life that is against me in every way.