Learning to Talk

Med school is a fascinating thing. In the words of my preceptor, "medical schools accept people who are generally very good at talking, interacting with people and are naturally patient centred individuals, and we turn them into biomedical machines who get stuck in conversations."

I am actually afraid of interviewing patients. Before medical school, I loved talking to people and getting them to tell me about their lives. That is honestly one of the reasons I like to fly so much, you never know who will be sitting next to you for the next 4 hrs. But now, I am paranoid that I will forget to ask something, ask too many closed questions, ask too many vague questions, say something wrong, or make an inappropriate facial expression. Talking to people just became one of the most difficult and nerve racking things I have ever done.

It's not the workload that is overwhelming, it's learning how to talk, act and essentially be another person almost overnight. And being a former athlete and somebody who has not had to struggle much to do really well in school or other things I have taken up, so I'm not used to being awful at things. Somedays it makes me question whether or not I am cut out to be a doctor. Everybody has told me for such a long time that I would make  a "great doctor" but not being good at the actual doctoring bit is really hard. (Note: nobody has told me I am awful, I just feel awful because it is such a struggle to do such a simple thing.)

Med school isn't hard because of what you need to study, it is hard because of what you need to learn to become.

This is how I feel all the time in clinical skills.

Lions and Tigers and Bears...Oh My!

I'm only 1 day late for Medical Mondays...oops. But, I have been really busy with pre-trip preparations (aka packing and seminars) for my trip to Tanzania and we leave this Thursday! But I thought I should drop by seeing as I have been a bit MIA lately.

Headed to Ngorongoro Conservation Area to the University of Calgary Field School

Finishing up my 4th year of undergrad (senior year for the American's in the crowd) was seriously difficult. In the past 4 months, I have have interviewed in 4 different cities in 3 different countries. In the month of March alone, I spent a total of 24 hours on planes and I watched every single movie Air Canada had to offer. I am also now a co-author on a Nature paper that was published a few weeks ago (first publication!), and I successfully defended my honours thesis.

As you may remember, one of my goals this year was to get a 4.0 in my 4th year, and mission accomplished!! Some how I actually managed to get 100% on the last undergrad paper that I submitted, and in my opinion it was one of he worst because I was only aiming for 77% in order to get an A in the class. Aim low and you will land among the stars?

I have not yet been accepted into medical school sadly, and the stress is kind of getting to me. I was wait listed at VCU (which was an absolutely amazing school) and people have been started to be accepted off of the wait list...but not me. The two Canadian schools I interviewed at release decisions next week when I am in the middle of no where in Tanzania looking at stool samples. Graduating feels great, but it also kinda feels like crap because I just want to get in.

Today and tomorrow I am shadowing my lab supervisor, who is on neurology service this week, on morning rounds. It is sort of a goodbye and thank you gift for being "the best undergraduate student he has ever had." All of the residents have been amazing, and are going out of their way to teach me and help me understand what is going on, and it is absolutely a fantastic experience. (I also got to see the inside of the docs lounge...they have their own flippin cafeteria!!) But, it also makes me even more anxious about getting in, I just want to start training for a job I have always dreamed about doing. I look forward to late nights in the library and being on call. These are things most people dread, but I honestly can't wait. Shadowing only confirms this, and will make the disappointment even harder.
I might be crushed next week if I am not accepted into a Canadian school. I have already started my AMCAS application again. But because I will be in Tanzania with likely no internet access, I am not going to be able to submit it one the June 1st opening day, and I am going to have to phone home to parents so see what the results of my other applications are.

So great to graduate, yet soooo stressful.

Also, I am still training for the 35km swim, which has also meant swimming 9x a week for the past 3.5 weeks...so ready for a break!

Thanks for stopping by, and I hope I have good news in September for y'all (and for my emotional wellbeing). 

Interview Hopping

I missed the last Medical Monday because I was desperately trying to get to Richmond, Virginia before my interview at VCU. But lets back up a bit to get you up to speed about what has been going on for the last few months.

In January, I received interview invitations for 3 different schools in a span of three days. One for VCU on Feb 4th (my top US choice), one for Michigan State on Mar 28 (second choice), and one for Northern Ontario School of Medicine on Mar 29th (that one was a shocker). In that same week, I received an invitation to write the subject test for the Neuroscience MSc/PhD program in Göttingen, Germany. 7 days later I received an invitation for THE interview that I really wanted, which was at my home school, the University of Calgary.

February 3rd I left the frozen Canadian waste land to fly to Richmond, Virginia for my interview at VCU. Except, my flight out of Calgary was delayed an hour and half due to a mysterious light being on. When we landed in Minneapolis I abandoned my Canadian manners and full out sprinted about 2km from gate A to gate F where my flight to Richmond was departing from. I got to the gate, and the women in Delta colours told me the plane had just closed its doors, and wouldn't re-open them, and that I had been rebooked on a flight that would get me to Richmond at 12:30pm the next day. I had to be at VCU by 11am for the interview.

Me: "But I have to be there at 11!."
Delta woman: "Well, you won't be."
Me: "This is literally my future we are talking about, the results of tomorrow may very well dictate the rest of my life."
Delta woman: Fake smile
Me: "What about a flight to DC tonight?"
Delta woman: "Oh, yes. We could do that. The last flight closes its doors in 7 minutes. Its back at gate A."

So, I full out sprinted back to the exact same place I had just come from, but managed to sequester a nice man driving a Delta cart to get me there a little faster. I get to the gate just on time, and I get handed a boarding pass which indicates a 1st class seat (score!). I hurried on to the plane (nobody checked my passport by the way...I guess flights to DC aren't as secure as we thought), I was sweating buckets, clearly didn't belong in first class, and when I arrived at my seat, I noticed it was a window seat....right next to a very nicely dressed US Senator. I have never gotten such a severe death stare in my life. Upon arriving in DC (which is the scariest runway ever, it looks like you are going directly into the river), I was provided with a $300 taxi voucher to get me to Richmond, Virginia. I made it to my hotel by 1 am, after having to spend half of the taxi ride on the phone with the driver's daughter in order to get directions to my hotel because my taxi driver didn't know where he was going. End of story, I made it, I think my interview went well, and VCU blew my mind. I didn't think such amazing schools even existed. As an aside, if Delta had waited 3 minutes, they would have saved them approximately $700, and reduced my cortisol levels about 2 fold...this is why we Canadians love Westjet...they wait for everybody.

This past Saturday I did my interview for Calgary, I think I nailed 9/12 MMI stations, completely blew 1 (had an awkward 2 minutes of silence because you can't leave the room until the 7 minutes are up and I was totally done discussing the question), and 2 stations that I am a little unsure about. I hope it evens out...on to May 15th!

Next up on the interview schedule is Göttingen, Germany next Monday. I didn't study for the subject test, and figured my chances of getting an interview were pretty much 0 as I guessed my way through the 40 physics and chemistry questions. But apparently not...or I just failed less than the other 300 people who wrote the test. The program is paying for my travel and accommodation, which is awesome, worst case scenario is that I have a free trip to Germany :).

But here is my dilemma. The only reason I applied to the program in Germany is because I thought I had no chance of getting into any medical schools that I actually wanted to go to after not hearing from VCU, Michigan and being rejected from UBC. Now I am worried that I will get into a top choice medical school (or any at all), plus the program in Germany. I was hoping to not have to make any decisions. It will be hard to turn down a 3 year PhD program at one of the top scientific institutes in the world (and in Germany), but I also don't know how I could possibly turn down medical school. Best case scenario, I get to defer for 2 years and do an MSc in Germany and come back to a medical school spot. But, its pretty rare to get more than a 1 year deferral.

Also, my thesis is due in 18 days and I am no where near finished. I don't have time for Germany...but I can't not go...

Side note: check our Waves for Women blog, which my friend Caryn and myself will be chronicling our training and fundraising journey for our 35km open water ocean swim in July to raise money for Women's Cancer Research.

The first week of the end of my degree

I think title says it all, but this is the first week of classes of the last semester of my undergrad degree. Come June I will be happily not walking across the stage to receive my degree in Health Sciences because I will likely still be in Tanzania. (Who would want to sit in stuffy gymnasium for three hours when they could be deep in the Maasai region of Tanzania at a field camp with giraffes walking around?) Needless to say, I am pretty excited that this is the end of my first degree and that I get to finish off with a pretty awesome global health research studentship to Tanzania.

The unfortunate part is that I will be starting yet another semester with post-concussion syndrome. You may remember this post from October, well the saga continues. I still have daily headaches, yet they are mainly orthostatic (I get them when I sit up or stand up, but if I lie down they go away). This has led the concussion specialist physiatrist that I am seeing to suspect I may have a CSF leak (which is what I asked about a week after my concussion when I threw up every time I stood up and the ER doc told me it was impossible to occur unless there was a skull fracture). Soo... I have to do a radionucleotide cisternogram (say that thee times fast) in two weeks, which essentially involves a lumbar puncture, an injection of some radioactive nucleotides and me lying on a table in the angiogram suit for 6 hours. I'm not excited...and I think that if it shows I don't have a CSF leak, I likely will have one after this procedure (every time a needle goes into my epidural space I end up with a CSF leak that doesn't resolve its own). From what I am told, this the best test to check for a CSF leak, and apparently they can't do a blood patch (the procedure done to stop CSF leaks) unless there is indication of leak, which there will be no matter what after this procedure because I am 100% certain (based on past experience) that I will end up with one. Some rules and systems don't make any sense and in this case will likely cause unnecessary patient suffering. This procedure seems pointlessly expensive (to taxpayers of course, GO CANADA) and I am fairly certain I will end up needing a blood patch in the end regardless of the test outcome.

And for further updates, I got wait-listed at Wayne State SOM (which was better than I though based on the strangeness of my interview) and rejected pre-interview by UBC by 0.5 (they give you your application score and the cutoff score for interviews). The UBC thing really upset me because BC has a huge shortage of doctors in rural areas, yet they reject rural applicants at higher rates than those from urban areas (they publish these stats). It has to be recognized that opportunities to build up extracurricular activities in a small town are limited (like there are none), I made some of my own, but even that was a struggle. Anyway, if i don't get in anywhere this year, I know my GPA will be high enough to put me above the interview cutoff for next year for UBC.

On another note I spontaneously decided to apply for graduate school in Gottingen, Germany. But sadly if they like me I essentially have to repeat the a German version of the MCAT (in English thankfully) so now I have go back to studying plant ecology, physics and chemistry.

Who wouldn't want to get a MSc or PhD from here? 

Despite all of these emotional up and downs, and headaches caused by the physical ups and downs, I'm excited for what 2014 has in store. This year represents a void of the unknown and not knowing what is going to happen is always exciting. It also represents long hours in the lab trying to finish my honours thesis on time (so I can actually graduate) and the challenge of fulfilling these 10 goals. 

I hope your 2014 is filled with moments of joy but also full challenges that help you realize its okay to not be in control, and of course, many Medical Mondays (12 to be exact).

Thanks for stopping by!!

(I should also share that I get to snag link up spot 1 because I am in a different time zone,  so technically it is still Sunday here. There are some perks of living in mountain time, in addition to the mountains and -20°C weather.) 

Goals for 2014

Here we go, the cliche post that all bloggers do every year.

10 things I hope to accomplish in 2014 (in order of priority):

1. Learn more about Buddhism and start practicing more mindful living
2. Go with the flow - what ever happens after graduation will happen and it will be awesome
3. Swim across the Strait of Georgia (more on that later, its a legit thing, stay tuned for more info)
4. Spend less time on facebook
5. Complete my 4th year with a 4.0 (so far so good)
6. Focus less on what I need to do to get into med school and just enjoy being 21.
7. Dance more
8. Eat salad for dinner at least once a weak
9. Bake something at least once a month and share it with others
10. Eat less sugar

Just swimming a long in a glacier fed lake in the Canadian wilderness

21 Reasons

Today is a big day for me.

Today is the day I turn 21, and to honour this day in history, I thought I should make a list of 21 reasons why my life is awesome right now.

1. Today is my birthday, which just makes today great despite what may happen today.
2. I got a Macbook Pro for my Birthday, now I don't have to stress about having a computer that keeps crashing.
3. I have an amazing family, and they drove all the way to Calgary this past weekend just to celebrate my Birthday.
4. I have interview at Wayne State School of Medicine on Nov. 27th!
5. The global health conference that I have been planning for almost a year happens this weekend, Nov 9-11th. This is the biggest project I have ever attempted to pull off, and I am excited to help other students become passionate about global health.
6. I have some pretty amazing friends who are not only there for the ups in life, but who are also there for the downs.
7. All of my medical school applications are done!!
8. I got mounds of chocolate and food for my Birthday, so now I'm good until Christmas.
9. I've come to accept the fact I will likely never really race a bike again, and that cycling will become a pastime, rather than a lifeline, and I am okay with that.
10. I might be going to Tanzania in May!
11. I have super comfortable bed (this is actually pretty important).
12. I am completely okay with not getting to medical school this cycle. My plans for next year are actually awesome no matter what. If I don't get in, I'm going to work, and then travel to as many countries in as many continents as I can. Sounds better than dissecting cadavers right?
13. I have GF cake left over from my family Birthday party yesterday (cake makes life better no matter what).
14. I am actually doing pretty well in gross anatomy, even if it does feel a bit overwhelming sometimes.
15. I might be really behind on my research for my honours thesis, but my lab members are awesome, and I know that they will support me through it.
16. I don't have life figured out yet, and I think that is just fine, we don't always need a plan.
17. My parents brought my guitar from home. I haven't played since grade 9, but I am excited to get some more music back in my life.
18. It snowed this weekend! While winter is not as pleasant as summer, I like to appreciate all seasons for what they are and the gifts that they bring, like skiing!!!
19. I'm thankful that I decided to take the plunge and transfer from UoGuelph to uCalgary a year ago, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I don't regret going to Guelph, I don't think I would be where I am today had I not started out there. Everything works out as it should in the end.
20. I'm a strong person, I've been through more than I should have after only being on this earth for 21 years, and I appreciate everything that I have learned about life through trials and struggles. It will make me a better doctor.
21. Being able to dance like nobody is watching. We can all do this, and doing it makes life way more awesome. You should try it sometime.

Life is great, even when it sucks sometimes, it is still pretty great.

The Wounded Healer

I am taking a class called "Psychosocial Oncology" and today's lecture was about palliative care. The two instructors giving the lecture were what most people would consider in medicine to have opposing jobs. One had a doctorate and was a member of the spiritual care team, the other was a physician and the director of the acute-intensive palliative care unit. Together, they helped me to redefine my notions of adult palliative care, and I was astounded by their abilities to interconnect their roles. Needless to say, I learned a lot about the process of dying, both from a medical perspective and spiritual one. 

5 things I learned today about dying:
1. 93% of palliative care patients ranked maintaining a sense of humour to the end as one of the most important things
2. 0.5% of people in Oregon choose physician assisted suicide despite it being a readily available option
3. Palliative Care physicians are often more influential and important in the life of a person who is dying than any of their "active treatment" physicians
4. Palliative Care medicine actually involves a lot of "real medicine," its not just about pain control
5. Most people who are dying have little desire to confess their sins or wrongdoings  at the end, people do not consider them to be important to them any more.


When we were discussing the importance of physicians and members of the palliative care team to let down their barriers, show their emotions and connect with patients, this quote was on the slide:

"The doctor is effective only when he himself is affected. Only the wounded physician heals." - Carl Jung

I'm not sure how I have made it almost 21 years now with out ever seeing this quote from Carl Jung. I have been beginning to doubt whether or not I can make other well if I am not entirely free of illness myself. But I now feel again that strong sense of purpose, and what I guess you could label as "my calling" to medicine. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I am grateful that this quote was on the slide today, it was exactly what I needed. Perhaps me being in pain, will allow me to heal somebody that others cannot. 

I will someday be a Wounder Healer.

I think I want to be a Surgeon.

To Spencer,

For a long time I have wanted to be a surgeon, probably since I watch the first season of Grey's Anatomy when I was 12. While Grey's Anatomy is pretty unrealistic (but a girl can dream right?), I still had difficulty wrapping my mind around how a person could operate for 10-12 hours straight. How is it possible to focus for that long without eating or going to the bathroom? I feel like I need to eat every 37 seconds and go pee at least once every 3 hours.  (Lets just say I find exams challenging...)

But this week I had to do 20 sciatic nerve crush surgeries on mice, and each one takes about an hour. For two days I did 10 hours straight of surgeries without eating or going to the bathroom. I got the lab at 8 am on Tuesday and left at 9pm, and on Wednesday I got there at 8am and left after 10pm. I have the new record for longest time a summer student has ever spent in the lab. I'm pretty sick of looking at mice and I still have to inject them until the 8th of July.

This experience has showed me that I actually might be able to be a surgeon. I really quite enjoy the tedious and fine motor skills aspect of doing surgeries on mice. I am the only one in the lab able to do it without aid of a microscope. I can see details that others can't see with a naked eye. Perhaps surgery is in my future.

This post is dedicated to Dr. Spencer McLean., who sadly passed away on June 24 from kidney cancer. He had just completed his orthopedic surgery residency and passed his boards two weeks prior to his death. He was my ski coach for 3 years as a child, and every year I hoped that I would be assigned to his group. Spencer was my absolute favourite coach, and he always will be for he taught me a lot more than just how to be fast on a pair of skis. He taught me that skiing makes you one with the mountain, it makes you a part of something magnificent. He taught me that you must first love what you do, be passionate about what  you do, and then you must work hard in order to become great.

From what I have heard, he became an amazing surgeon, dedicated to his patients in every way. He loved what he did, he was passionate about it and he was great at it. I think I have always wanted to "be like Spencer," he was the perfect mentor. He is a person I will never forget and who I will think of often as I begin my journey to becoming a physician, and hopefully a surgeon.

Thank you Spencer for inspiring me to reach high, work hard and to enjoy the ride.

Sincerely,

A Yiper

Shadowing

I had a pretty impressive morning of shadowing last Wednesday, followed by a somewhat less exciting afternoon of looking at mice in square boxes, cleaning up their excretions and testing their grip strength. But I am sure, you don't want to hear about what I do with mice...back to shadowing.

I shadowed my PI in the neuromuscular clinic, and it was needless to say a really great learning experience. I wasn't too sure how good of a teacher he would be, but he turned out to be pretty great. He explained all the cases to me, what each part of the neuro-exam looks for, the EMG results, and patient histories (some which were more complicated than mine). The first patient we saw was a younger women (early 40's) who had massive file and extensive history. I empathized with her because it seemed like she had been through a similar experience as me when I first got sick. She has seen pretty much every specialist in the city (a neuroimmunologist? I didn't even know that existed), has had extensive testing, has been "combative" towards doctors demanding tests/medications, and at one point wanted to go to the Mayo clinic. Her story seems kinda like mine (I was never combative though, but definitely frustrated). I almost wanted to just give her a hug, and I really wanted to tell her that I truly understood what she was going through, but alas, I was but a mere shadow.

The last patient we saw was a woman in her 50s who had an ethanol induced neuropathy. She doesn't take the vitamins that she needs (B1) which can reverse the neuropathy, she continues to consume alcohol, won't go to physiotherapy and doesn't have a family doctor. She had so much muscle wasting that she looked like a person with muscular dystrophy, and she can no longer straighten her legs so she is wheelchair bound. Non-compliance has committed her to a death sentence from a curable disease. Because of her, I witnessed for the first time what it is like to tell somebody that they will die, and soon, from a condition that is in fact reversible.

It is going to be interesting when I finally become a doctor, I think I am going to see myself reflected back to me in the experience of patients. In almost every patient we saw, I recognized something of my own story in the story of the patients. I empathized with the frustrations of one, the research tenacity of another, the ability of one patient to push through the pain, and realization of a grim future of another. I hope I never lose this empathy. At the same time though, I would give anything for my condition to just disappear by taking some vitamins, most people would, so I don't know how I am going to react when I encounter non-compliant patients. I see non-compliance as selfish, and I feel it makes the role of a doctor almost meaningless.


Needless to say, shadowing was an enlightening experience, which motivated me to submit my AMCAS application on Friday (even though I am still waiting for one transcript to arrive at AMCAS). I also started my application for UBC and the rest of the Canadian applications open up in a couple of weeks. The ball is rolling, and I have started to have nightmares since I submitted my AMCAS application. Looks like it is going to be a long wait until May 15, 2014....


PS Happy Canada Day!!!

I will change things, I promise

I just made a pretty big promise over twitter, to a fellow canadian who suffers from chronic pain and lack of access to doctors willing to help her. I promised, that if I get into medical school (and graduate) that I would change things in health care.

I don't know how yet, but it needs to be fixed. Health care (in my humble Canadian Socialist opinion) is a right. It is not a business, it is not a luxury, but it is a basic human right that we are entitled to all over the world. Your medical diagnosis, your medical history, your financial status, your sexual orientation, your religion and your race should not dictate whether or not you receive medical care. Sadly, this is not the case, and it makes me angry, especially when I hear about Canadians who are denied access to a supposedly universal system.

I will change things, I don't know how, or when, but I will. When I make a promise, I keep a promise. 

The AMCAS Dilemma

On Wednesday, May 8th, just two days from now, I will be able to start my AMCAS application. This is the summer where I officially apply to donate the rest of my life to the practice of medicine, to the art of healing. I'm almost more scared of what will happen if I do get in than if I don't, and if I get into an American school, and not a Canadian one.

Most Canadian schools (or the ones I am applying to at least) drop your worst academic year. The University of Calgary drops your worst year if you have completed 3 full time years (yippee for me!), and UBC will drop your worst year if you have 120 credits (ie, you have completed 4 years). This is where the problem begins. I am in third year, so uCalgary will drop my worst year, but UBC will not. My best chances for admission are at UBC (if I had my worst year dropped, ie the year I spent in the hospital), which would only happen if I applied in the NEXT cycle, not this one.

So, if I complete my AMCAS application, and I apply to the 10-12 schools I have a chance at in the US, and I get into one of them, but not a Canadian school, do I go, or do I wait a year and reapply? If I wait a year, UBC will drop my first year and my GPA will increase (likely) to above admission averages, but my GPA alone won't guarantee me admission. But UBC has a large rural assessment component to the application (which is very much in my favour as I grew up in a town of less than 4000 people), and my extra curricular activities will only improve with the addition of one more year on my application. So, my application, if I were to apply in the 2014/2015 cycle would likely be much stronger, and my chances for admission are higher.

Back to the dilemma, do I submit an AMCAS application? If I get in only to an American school, do I go? My intentions for the past year was that I would apply to US schools, but that was on the thought that UBC would be dropping my worst year, and now that they won't be, I am second guessing. I want to cover all of my bases in Canada, and ensure I have the strongest application possible submitted to Canadian schools before I hop across our southern border.

I want the best chance possible at becoming a doctor and I don't want to miss an opportunity to fulfill my dream, but waiting one more year and getting in to a Canadian school would mean that I would be at least $200,000 less in debt and be able to get a residency spot in Canada. (Plus, I don't have to write step 1, or go through the silly basic science courses that US medical schools force you to go through.)

WHAT DO I DO??? I just want to be a doctor! (Preferably in Canada, and if not Canada, Washington or Oregon state because they are the most similar places to Canada other than of course Canada itself and New Zealand.)

"Do not let the pain make you hate"

I wish I had the strength to follow these simple rules.

"Do not let the pain make you hate." This is a really hard thing to do, for me, its more a physical pain that makes me hate, but I know that is not the case for everybody. I hate that I have to deal with things that everybody else deals with, and deal with the pain. My life would be so much easier if I could just sleep through the night, not spend most of the day feeling nauseous from the pain and not spend huge amounts of time faking to the world that nothing is wrong. I hate that I can't do anything about these things, and I hate that the pain makes me hate things.

I don't know why I have this idea in my head, but I feel like if I ever get into med school that my worries will just disappear. I have no idea why I think this will happen, because likely my worries will triple once in med school. Maybe its because my goal of trying to get into medical school has been the only thing that makes me keep on going despite the pain. What will happen if I don't get in? Well, I think my pain will make me hate the world even more than I already do.

I need to go see my family doctor about sleeping pills....I hate asking for drugs (and there we go again with my pain making me hate things).

Great ideas that aren't mine

I constantly have these ideas about how nerves grow or about how to best manipulate them to grow. My latest one involves exercise. There has to be a reason why my nerves won't stop growing, and there is one thing that I do a lot of that most people with nerve damage do not: exercise. Then last week I read an article about how getting rats with nerve damage to exercise significantly reduced their pain levels. The researchers thought that it was likely do to a reduction in inflammatory mediators as a result of exercise. And I was all like, OMG! Maybe I am on to something, maybe the reduction in inflammatory mediators not only reduces pain but improves axon out growth!!

So then this week, I decided to pub med "exercise and nerve regeneration." As it turns out, I am not the first person to think of this, and there are a lot of journal articles published surrounding this idea. Granted, I did think of this entirely on my own, which I guess is a good start, but the world of neuroscientists has already beat me to it.

I would love to be able to in someway come up a novel idea on my own, to be the first one to think of something, to be the one that figures out how to make nerves grow. If I can do that, then maybe all this pain hasn't been for nothing. I don't believe everything happens for a reason, because there is no reason a two year old needs to get cancer or that I need to have chronic pain. I do believe that you can take any situation, even awful ones, and make something good out of it.

I'll keep thinking, and maybe someday I will figure it out.

Will they see it?

I feel like I am constantly working my tush off to try an impress people I don't know and likely will never meet. I study as hard as I can for everything, 10% tests get as much attention as a 30% test would because everything counts, there is no room for error. I don't skip a training session for any reason, not for pain and not for school because maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be the day that will mean the difference between 3rd and 4th. I try to balance my family, friends, volunteering and goals with my own sanity, but the scales always seemed to be slanted this way or that.

Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Yes I realize that I am trying to get into medical school in the very near yet distant future, but will it always be like this? Once, or if, I am in medical school I know I will be doing everything possible to match into the residency spot that I want, and then I will be trying to match into the fellowship that I want, and the secure a job, and then publish amazing papers....it doesn't end!!!

Right now, my concern is that my medical school applications won't show how hard I have been working. My first year of university shows a GPA that is less than stellar, but an admission committee won't see that I spent all day everyday in hospitals, clinics, doctor appointments, dressing changes, pharmacy line ups, on buses and trains trying to get to far off specialists to prevent my right leg from being amputated. I didn't go to class because I couldn't, so I stayed up every night until the wee hours of the morning copying out notes from my friends and studying for quizzes, midterms, and exams. I worked harder than I have ever worked before, but my GPA doesn't reflect that, and I wasn't involved in the community because I was completely absorbed with trying to save my leg without sacrificing my life. Will the admission committee see that? My guess is not, and if I talk it about, it will seem like I am making up excuses for my grades or trying to seek pity. 

I have for the past 2 tests in  human physiology gotten 96%, which you might be thinking is impressive, and normally I would also think that, however, my school only puts letter grades on your transcript. In the Faculty of Medicine, and A is 90-96 and an A+ is 97-100. When I apply to UBC school of medicine next year, they will see my A, and translate it to 87%. Which is almost 10% lower than my actual grade, so I might as well study less, put less effort in and get 90%. Or if I study that much harder (which when you have chronic pain, there is a distinct line which you cannot cross because your mind doesn't function after a while) and get 97%, and achieve that A+ (which UBC translates to a 95). The whole grading system makes me angry, I work as hard as I possibly can, and nobody will see that.

Is this the life I am choosing? Work yourself until you bleed and nobody even notices that you are bleeding? I know you will say that they will notice, but I disagree, nobody will see how much I achieved in the face of the challenges I have overcome or am still struggling with. They will see my grades, ones that don't even reflect my actual grades, they will see I had no extra-curricular activities for two years and they will judge me against other students who haven't gone through what I have.

I am choosing a life that is against me in every way.

The First Cut

Today I preformed my first surgery, I made my first cut through skin, isolated my first structure and sutured my first wound. It was amazing, and I thought my hands would begin to shake, or that I would falter or feel faint, but I didn't. Probably because this surgery was on a rat, but on Monday when I watched the demo of the surgery, I felt pretty sick. But there is definitely a big difference between watching somebody cut the skin and actually putting the scalpel blade through the skin your self. Even though his heart was beating and he was breathing (and anesthetized), it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be when I made that first cut. 

I completed my animal surgery certificate course today, I assisted my partner with a surgery on Monday, we did post-op together on Tuesday and today was my time to be in the spot light. All I had to do was isolate the jugular vein, which really wasn't that difficult. And those veins are surprisingly stretchy and resilient. The hard part was the suturing, doing the inner layer of tissue was just fine as it was a discontinuous stitch, but doing a continuous buried stitch on the outer layer of skin was really tricky. I kinda suck at it...but it was my first attempt at ever stitching anything ever!!! I'm pretty stoked on life right now though, mostly because I didn't know if  could ever handle doing surgery. I like it, I'm not good at it right now, but I like it.

After my rat was euthanized (I'm not totally okay with shoving a needle full of anesthetic into a rat's heart yet...) I got to isolate the sciatic nerve. Honestly, it was the first nerve that I have ever really seen. Maybe on day I will get to repair one.

I'm pumped to keep studying, get on with my research project (mice officially ordered) and become a doctor! Surgery might still be in my cards, but I need to practice suturing, so, I bought this:

My first suture kit

 The only problem is that I only have 2 packs of sutures, one for fascia and one for skin. So if you know anywhere I can buy sutures, let me know!!

Laughter

The best thing about volunteering at a Children's Hospital is laughter. Its my job, to make the kids, nurses, parents and doctors laugh. When you are volunteering in a respite/palliative setting and with children, the best thing that  I can do for them is to make them laugh. Today I played Uno Jenga with a patient, a nurse, a nursing aid and a doctor. We were having so much fun that we even drew a couple of parents and other patients out of their rooms to see what was going on. I left my shift today and walked out of the door with everybody laughing and smiling. I can only hope that when I am a doctor, I will be able to do the same, to go home everyday knowing that the last person I talked to was either laughing or smiling when I walk out the door. 

Ready or Not?

Tomorrow is my last day to study, as per the recommendation of Examkrackers I shouldn't even be studying tomorrow, but I have few more things to review. Really, I could review until I'm 30 years old and I still wouldn't feel ready. 

I'm hoping for a 30, and if I could manage a 32 I might actually have a heart attack. I'm going to give it my best shot on Saturday, and I know that no matter what my score is, it was the best that I could do given the time that I had to study. There is no shame in needing to write it more than once, I would just prefer not to have to go through this torture again. 

In other news, I meeting with my lab supervisor and one of his new MSc students on Friday to go over what my research project will be. Its looking like something along the lines of a tumour suppressor knock down and then looking at the function recovery of an injured nerve. I'm really hoping that I get USRP funding, otherwise my move to Calgary might have been for nothing. (Missing out on the Human Anatomy Dissection class at Guelph is a bit of a bummer, but I am going to get into medical school someday and I will get to learn anatomy the way it has been taught for centuries.)

If you have any extra available brain power on Saturday between 8 am and 2pm  Mountain Standard Time, please direct it my way.

Peace Like a River

The Next Stage

Next week is the last week of my second year of university, which means that I am almost halfway done my undergrad. I'm scared, because this means that I really need to get my stuff together, I'm not supposed to be naive anymore, I'm supposed to have a plan for my life and be independent. I still feel like I rely on my parents for everything, when something goes wrong or I don't know what to do, they are the first people I call. Essentially I still feel like a kid, even though my age says otherwise (although I can probably still pass for 14).

At this time last year I wrote a post called "So Close I can Almost Taste it" about what my first year was like and how I was amazed that I made it through despite having a curve ball thrown at my head every five minutes. This year seemed a bit easier, but at the same time, I haven't achieved what I though I would be this time in my life. I though I would have a sweet research position this summer, I don't, I'm having surgery and working the same old boring summer job that I had last year. I though I would have been involved in some sort of awesome volunteer gig, and actually be contributing to the world...volunteering at the Bike Centre and being on the Human Rights and Social Justice Council doesn't seem like anything worth talking about. I though that university would be a time when I could thrive, be who I wanted to be and do what I wanted to do. So far, that hasn't happened.

I'm still waiting to hear whether or not I got into Calgary, and word on the street is that I won't know until May. Its major stressing me out and making it much harder to focus on things that I need to like training and school. I 'm about to ship all of my stuff home, only to have to ship it back to Ontario to live with random people that I won't know next year. Also not knowing if my surgery is a definite go is really stressing me out.

I wish things would just work out how I had planned and hoped...I never thought that I wouldn't like UofG, or that I would still need another surgery, or that my surgery may be canceled, and if its not, it may not work.

This post is drastically different from the one I wrote last year, this post isn't full of hope and inspiration, and I'm sorry for that, but this year has pretty much just been one let down after another. So far nothing awesome has happened, I keep think that the awesome thing is coming, but it doesn't seem to.

So here's hoping that I do well on my exams and that I get in to Calgary.

MonWHO

This past weekend  I had the privilege of traveling to Montreal to attend the MonWHO conference. MonWHO is a World Health Organization simulation conference held in Montreal every year. The College of Biological Sciences Student Council (CBSSC) sponsored 11 student to go. The theme of this year's conference was Refugee health, and it was super fun!

It was the first time I had ever been to Montreal before, so it was pretty exciting for me just to be there. I was the Merck & Co. pharmaceutical representative, which as you can imagine had its ups and downs. I have discovered that I am really bad at being self centred, hording money and just generally being evil. We spent most of the weekend inside, arguing over policies, what is important and debating, but we did get to spend a little bit of time shopping (1hr in H&M) and seeing some sights in Old Montreal.

Check out some photos from the weekend!

Artsey group photo...science student have their creative moments too.

Guelph biological science students go Ninja style

Notre Dame Cathedral

In "Western Business Attire" after the first day of Regional Blocks (sweet name tags!)

The NGOs...and yes, we know our placards are inverted

What should we eat? The menu is in English, French and some Asian language all at the same time.

Da roomies! Went from not knowing each other to sleeping with each other in 12 hours.

Science rules!

"The best is yet to come"

There were (and still are) thundershower warnings for the day, but they weren't supposed to start until about 5. So I figured a 1 hour 15min ride after my nutrition class would get me home in time, but I was a bit worried that I might get caught in the rain. I hummed and hawed for a bit, checked the weather network about 12 times to make sure nothing was changing, and then finally decided to pull my kit on.

BEST DECISION EVER! You are probably thinking something amazing happened during that 40km ride...well, you would be wrong. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, other than I had one of the best rides I have had since the summer. The wind wasn't too strong, it was 20 degrees Celsius out, but not too sunny and it was humid so the air just felt nice. I raced a bus for about 3 km, and won, I did a few hill repeats and it felt great. There wasn't too much traffic out, so I was able to avoid all the rough patches in pot holes in the road and take the smoothest routes across the train tracks.

What made this ride even better was that my ankle didn't hurt so much and my leg felt strong, allowing me to pedal at a higher cadence and a lot smoother than usual. I actually felt like I was flying, not riding a bike. It was just simply an amazing feeling.

I also just came back from an Athletes in Action seminar (an organization that helps your faith to growth through your sport) and the speaker was John Hood. He is a member of the Hamilton Tiger Cats CFL team. He shared with us his personal story and struggle to make it to the pros, and that not everything worked out the way he had planned. Despite having things get in the way of his dream, he just kept at and kept faith that everything was happening as part of a bigger plan. And that everything that happened to him, although it may have been perceived as a set back or negative when it was happening, actually made him a more determined person and changed his life for the better. 

His talk really helped me to see and begin to understand that maybe everything that is happening and happened to me, namely chronic pain, is actually what is shaping my future and may actually be providing me with a path to reach my dreams. Its not the path I mapped out, but its a path that was hidden and waiting for me, and all I need to is have faith and follow that path, taking each opportunity as it comes and making the most of it.

As John Hood said, "The best is yet to come," and I chose to believe that he is right, and I will not stop working towards my dream of becoming a doctor. Whatever gets in my way is only preparing for what has yet to come.