"I've Been Fighting Things I can't See"

I have been listening to a lot of Switchfoot lately, specifically their new album Vice Verses (if you haven't listened to it you should check it out because its wicked). Its helped me think things through a little bit, sometimes music does that.

I have come to the realization that I am depressed because I am tired of trying to pretend to the world and to my self that my pain doesn't exist. It does exist. If you are somebody who has chronic pain that is reading my blog then you are likely 100% familiar with this. See, for me, sometimes I think to myself that there is noway that this pain can be real, how can something that science can't explain, something that you can't see or understand hurt so much? It must not be real, if imagine that its not then it won't be, and if I hide the pain from people around me then they won't know that it exists, which will give me more reason to believe it isn't real right? Wrong.

Before Dec. 19th, before I saw the surgeon in Vancouver I thought I had CRPS II, which is essentially something that you can't every really get rid of, if you are lucky you might get 2 years where you go into remission.To me, this type of disease seems like something that cannot possibly exist. No origin, no defined treatment, not certainty of a cure...seems like something that shouldn't exist right (it is real thing, just nobody can really explain how it happens quite yet)? Well, it does, but now that I have been diagnosed with a "Persistent Neuroma Syndrome" it made it real. A neuroma is something that is tangible, it has an origin, therefore the pain has an origin, therefore I can't pretend like it doesn't exist anymore because my logic is no longer an escape route.

Basically I have been hit the face with the truth, that my pain is 110% real. (Please don't get the impression that CRPS pain is not real, it is, very, very, very much so, it is just hard to grasp where the pain comes from using logic, I guess that is why they call it Complex Region Pain Syndrome...cuz its too complex for the most intelligent among us.) The diagnosis of a persistent neuroma syndrome is very much a blessing because it means that surgery is a treatment option for me, it also means that I could wake up from surgery completely pain free (well, obviously surgery is painful, but I mean after all that heals). At the same time, I have been forced to admit that my pain is not a figment of my imagination.

I've been fighting things I can't see. Thrive, by Switchfoot.

I Failed

Yup, that's right, I'm admitting to failing (I do it more than you think!). My semester in pictures is clearly not going to work out, so I might as well just come right out and say it: The picture blog is done.

Now don't go jumping to conclusions thinking that I am done blogging...I will try and do my very best to actually update this blog frequently.

As of late, I have been struggling to keep my head above water, I have this feeling of drowning on the inside. Everything lately has just seemed so overwhelming. I think that I might be struggling with a bit of depression right now. My pain has been pretty bad lately, a consistent 7/10 with the occasional spike. I have come up with a new way of describing one of the types of pain I feel though. Sometimes I get pain in my foot that starts at the top near the ankle joint and then spreads out like rain down to the sole of my foot. Its like I poured a glass of acid on my foot and is running off the side....

Sorry for that depressing imagery....not as cheerful as the idea of a semester in pictures, I know. But, that is how my life works. I wake up with pain, I go through my day with pain, I go to bed with pain and I often even dream in pain. (Do you know how many ways that your leg can be mutilated? A lot...and every night there seems to be a new method.)

I decided to book an appointment with a counselor on campus. I'm clearly depressed (I'm not going to kill my self, I have worked to hard for that), but thing is, I don't think anybody around me knows. Maybe I'm just good at hiding it, or they just can't tell, I really have no idea...I haven't exactly been making an effort to hide it or anything.