It must be hard

I had a friend tell me tonight that she can't imagine what I am going through, and that I have been somewhat of an inspiration to her this past semester. But I don't know about that, sure, its hard, but everybody has some sort of struggle in their life. Even when you think some people have the perfect lives, the get straight A's without trying, they are athletic, and to top it off, they are always gorgeous people. But that is just what we see on the outside, even if we don't know about it, everybody struggles with something. I just happen to struggle with RSD. I just happen to live in pain, pain that never lets me forget what I can and cannot do.

Sometimes I have good days, when the pain isn't so bad, and then I have days when all I want to do is cut off my foot. After a procedure done at the end of October, I have severe spine pain. It hurts to do everything now, it hurts to bike, it hurts to walk, it hurts to sleep and it hurts to sit. I can barely tolerate wearing a back pack. It is probably hard for most people to imagine what it is like to have never ending pain that may only get worse, but it is also hard to imagine what people all over the world deal with everyday. Yes, I am in pain all te time, but so many people are in more pain than me. All I can do is pray for them.

New Blog?

I'm pretty sure nobody actually really reads this anyway, so I have decided that I am going to blog just for me. Its a good way to get thoughts down...its like talking to somebody who will always listen to what you need to say.

Pain. I for one think that the word 'pain' should be longer, and harder to pronounce; like those really stupidly complex scientific names that everybody struggles to say and pronounces differently, to the point where nobody actually knows how to say it properly. Big words usually aptly describe big things...and pain is big. Pain is one of those things that is pronounced, or perceived differently by everybody. Some people deal with it better than others, some people's 8 on the pain scale is another person's 3. I feel a lot of pain, to the point where I don't actually know how to describe it anymore. Nobody seems to understand that when I say it hurts, I really want to say that my entire body is paralyzed from pain, to the point where I can't even scream. But nobody gets that, because my pronunciation of pain is not one that they have ever heard, or felt before, so not many people can understand my version of the word pain.

RSD sucks. It hurts, and my pronunciation of pain goes more like this: Pain (P-aopajd-uyrkasjfh-hfh-eeeekhweas-ain).

Half Empty

As of tomorrow, I will enter into the last half of my first semester. Has everything been as great as I dreamed it would be? No. A lot of 'stuff' really sucks. Like my health for instance, I threatens my future everyday. Have I made a lot of really great friends, yeah I have. I am taking some really great class, yup, I sure am. Do I hate some classes? Yup. Did I make the right choice coming to Guelph? Now that, is not a one word answer. I have no idea if I made the right choice. It seems like life is telling me I didn't, but then everyday when I go to class or hang out with friends, it feels like I did.

On September 20th, my ankle opened up. The scar from my surgery just opened, and for a while you could see my bone. Its gotten better, but it was a little bit scary. The doctor kept telling me I should just go home, and everytime she said that it was like I was being punched in the stomache. Because of the hole in my foot, I have more nerve pain, and I don't have a doctor here to help with pain control. I thought I found one, and last tuesday he did an injection into my tailbone area that went horribly wrong. First of all, it worked on the wrong leg, and then caused severe pain to go from behind my left knee up my spine. Fun, eh? Fortunately, I seem to of come a cross a neurologist who would defintely make into my top three favorite doctors. He ordered an MRI of spine to see if the pain doctor caused any damage, turns out everything it okay and I just have to deal with the pain for now until goes away. See, things just keep happening to me.

I have been questioning my faith lately, who I am, who I want to be, and because of that I haven't been able to blog. I just don't know what to blog about. Right now I feel like life is half empty, instead of half full like it used to be. The pain is crushing me, slowly, but surely it is destroying every part of me bit by bit.

So was coming to Guelph the right choice? I don't know.

What are we doing?

Watching "Sex in the City 2" made me realize how much I dislike the way the world is becoming. Why is that the wealthy get everything, the poor get nothing, and wealthy just continue to take from the poor. I loved living in Ghana, it was the way life should be. People help other people just because they are kind; not because they hope to get rewarded. North America is the most wasteful and sinful place on earth. We are obsessed with our selves, we don't care if our pollution causes villages in Africa to be destroyed, as long as we can live comfortable and consuming lives. I can't say that I liked any part of "Sex in the City 2," it just reinforced the feelings I have about the way I live, the way everybody around me lives and how we all strive to be able afford clothes, shoes, houses, and be able travel around the world first class. Shouldn't we be striving to send every child to school? Shouldn't we be building clean water stations in every village and town around the world? What about AIDS, or malaria, or typhoid? Why don't we all put our money together and make these things happen? The answer is simple, we want Ipods, new shoes, new cars and big houses. We don't want to worry about the problems of the world, we would much rather live in an ignorant bliss, and consume products faster than we can glean the uses of them.
I don't want to live like this, but how do you build a mud hut in the middle of suburbia, and cook over an open fire without being totally cut-off off from society. I don't understand the world. I don't understand why I was born into a privileged family, while somebody else is born into dirt, starvation, and poverty with no expectations or future. It is a cycle, I just happen to be in a different cycle, but my cycle is destroying the world.
I feel like a hypocrite by writin this while sitting on a plane that is taking me to university, and spewing pollution into the atmosphere which will ultimately wipe out an other coastal village in Africa. I don't have a criminal record, I have never gotten in trouble with the law and I have never done anything that would leave my hands blood stained...but my actions are only being judged by the law. The law that we are all supposed to follow every day is incredibly flawed. My hands are blood stained, so are yours, your brothers, your mothers and your friends. My high school band teacher once told us, "Every action has a reaction, be it positive or negative. Which do you choose?" Well, I am choose actions that have negative impacts on people all the time. So do you, you just don't know that the plane ride you took to Mexico added just enough carbon to the atmosphere that the sea levels rose, and killed 13 people in Africa when the sea came rushing in.
What do you choose?

Don't be haten'

I have always wondered what hate really is. Is the best definition the hate the Nazi had for the Jewish people? What about the feelings between the French and the English, or  Northern USA and Southern USA during the American civil war? What about your feelings towards that guy who just smudged your brand new bike with his greasy fingers? What is hate? Why do people hate?

It seems to me, that in every instance I just listed, a group of people hates another group because they are jealous. (The bike part is an exception to that hypothesis, I just am really protective over my bikes.) Nazis were jealous of the Jewish people because the Jewish people in general worked harder, believed in education and therefore, made more money. Money seems to bring out the worst in people. So is it money that we really hate or should hate? What would happen if we destroyed every piece of money in the world, would people stop hating each other?

I think hate is just another way of projecting ones emotions about feeling inadequate, onto somebody who appears better than you are.

 

I'm Walking on Sunshine...yeahaa

As you could probably assume form the title, I am mobile! I am not referring to a cell phone, laptop, or car, but my own two feet. (Well, really  it was only one foot that made it so I couldn't walk. Have you ever tried to walk with one foot? If you haven't, you should try it, and it would also be a good idea to do so while wrapped in bubble rap with a safety approved helmet on.)

My room had become horribly disorder while I was on crutches because it is just so very difficult to do everything. Today I cleaned! Today I walked up and down stairs like an almost normal person. I went to physio, it hurt like a banshee, I almost cried, and then walked down a set of stairs. These seemingly insignificant accomplishments are seemingly massively significant to me.

Have you ever experienced walking? I don't just mean one foot in front of the other to get to the fridge, I mean really walking. Feeling the carpet for the first time in four weeks, taking a step, and then another and then another and feel like you are floating on a cloud? Okay, that kind of sounds like I am stoned, which is partly true, (its all prescription I swear), maybe someday you will feel the pure ecstasy of walking, and no I am not suggesting you go out and get high in order to experience this.

I'm walking on sunshine.    

A nice trip

Last Monday, I went on a really nice trip. Not to Mexico, or a fantastic bike trip, but the kind where the floor seems to come at your face far to rapidly.

I was sitting on the couch with my foot up, and then my mom called me for dinner. Apparently dinner seemed really exciting because in my rush to get up stairs, I tripped on the coffee table and landed on my post surgery foot.

I still can't put weight on it. I hope I didn't do something inside where the surgery was...

Ode to a Neuroma

You know how you have a days when everything just seems to be perfect? Well, Tuesday was one of them. You may think it strange that it was probably the best day that I have had in about 6 months, seeing that it was also the day that I had surgery. On Tuesday, I went into the hospital at 7:00 in the morning and walked out at 11:30, well, I had to be wheeled out actually.

I'm not usually the type of person to sit here and type out the events of my day, but this one was just so perfect that I have to share it.

I have been in operating room at the Royal Jubilee hospital 3 times this year, and the first two I had horrible, cranky nurses who wouldn't believe that I have horrible veins. So usually, I am tortured until they can manage to get the IV in, which is anywhere from 5-13 attempts. On Tuesday, they let the Anesthetist do, and he did it one try. I also had a really nice nurse who let my mom come in to the pre-op area to wait with me and talk to the doctors before the surgery. Normally, "there is no way in hell that your parent can come past this door, we simply just don't allow it." Tuesday seemed to be the exception, because she also let me keep my book and my contacts in until I had to go.

I had a really funny scrub nurse and he was a guy. (Most nurses are women, so it was kinda cool.) And he was really nice, even held my hand when the doc put the IV in, and then again when they were sticking a giant needle in the back of my leg to freeze the lower portion of my leg. Nice guy.

I don't do well with anesthetic, and when I wake up I have an asthma attack and throw up for a good hour. I didn't this time, and I was outta the hospital with in an hour of waking up! The surgeon also told my mom that I had a "classic neuroma" and that he was sorry I had to suffer that long. Take that Dr. Selby! Who said "it will just get better in time." It would of gotten worse.

The good news doesn't end here. The 13th, which was Tuesday was also the day that the new Newsboy's CD came out, and I really wanted it. When we were leaving to catch the 2:00 ferry, my mom said we either went to get the CD or made the ferry. She knew I really wanted the CD, so she said "screw it, lets get the CD." The Newsboys are a christian band, and while I was waiting in the car with my leg propped up on a pillow and groggy from the anesthetic, my mom went into the store to get the CD, but forgot to put any windows down. I thought I was going to roast, then all of the sudden the rear window at the very back of our truck went down. When my mom came back with the CD I asked "did you put the back window down?" She hadn't, but I guess God did. Strange how that happened while sitting in front a christian store.

Oh, and we still made the 2:00 ferry, and only by 3 cars.

God was with me. I have never felt his presence so strong before.

Peace like a river,

KP

Take Luck

Everything got better today. I woke up at 8:00 and I wasn't in pain. For twenty minutes I lay awake without pain this morning. It was a weird feeling, I almost don't remember what it is like not to be in pain, it was like I was missing something. Not that I like being in pain, I have just gotten used to it, and it has been apart of every waking moment for a long time.

Today must haven been a lucky day for me, because I just got a better job that pays $23/hr instead of 8.50, it is in Sparwood instead of Fernie, I get more hours, and all I have to do is be a cashier!

Today I took luck, and today it was good. For twenty minutes I experienced my old life.

The clutch

Today was my first day of work, like ever. Honestly, it was kind of boring, but I kind of like answering the phones even if I hate them. Maybe this job will crush my fear of phones and calling people that I have never met before. Basically, I am a switch board operator with out the actual switch board. I do get a free mountain bike pass though, so I am going to go ride tomorrow after work for a couple of hours, but I think I might stick to the blue trails because I am a bit a newb, or more correctly, I  am a Gorby.

I also had to learn how to drive a standard this week because I only work weekends and my parents take the truck to go up to the our cabin or the 'woods' as I a like to call it. I think that calculus is easier and less frustrating than learning to drive a standard. The actual driving part is easy, its the starting out that is hard. I basically despise stop lights and stop signs because 3/4 times I stall. Stalling does not only get me flustered, but it is also really embarrassing.

I hate that car.

Chaching!

I got a job! Its only like 12 hours a week, but I get a free MTB pass, so I'll take it!

Not my time

I have bad luck, just plain, simple, bad luck. It is rare to get a neuroma from a surgery or a severed nerve, but I did. Lyme disease is apparently also rare, but I'm not sure if that statistic is accurate. To top off my bad luck rant, I didn't get a job today because I somebody who wasn't supposed to come back to work at the ski hill this year decided to come back, so I didn't get the job as Lifty. I have bad luck, but I guess I also have good luck; I don't live in poverty, I am educated, I live in Canada and my life is pretty easy compared to many others. Yet, I still have rather bad luck.

To look at my luck in an other way, at least I have luck. Like the comedian Bryan Regan once said, its not "Take Care," or "Good Luck" but "Take Luck." So I do have luck, I just would much rather it be a different kind sometimes.

Out

Tomorrow, I am, out, of, here.

Too late

It is late, and this is probably the most important post I will have ever written. Today i graduated. Just from high school, but it feels like more than high school. Yes, I will be embarking on a new journey, a new adventure, but it is also the end of a journey and the closing of an adventure. As happy as today was, I am sad. I don't know that many people who are sad to graduate.

I also inherited some pretty special things today: my name is engraved in the Groos Salver Award plate that will be displayed in the trophy case for as long as the school is here, but I also inherited something from my grandmother that past away from cancer long before I was born. I have her emerald ring, well, I have the diamonds and the emerald reset into the same white gold that she wore. It was a gift from my parents, some kids get a car, but I much prefer something meaningful and something I can pass on to my granddaughter. Speaking of cancer, I also was recognized today for what I did for cancer patients in BC, and received a $250 award. My late grandmother lives on today, through the stones she wore, through the disease that claimed her life, and through me, through the person I have become, and am still becoming.   

I will soon embark on my journey towards becoming a doctor, my journey to helping eradicate cancer, and saving people that have been told it is too late.

The breaking of a brick

I realized today as I was hulling bricks up to the third floor of Harvey House, that I am like a brick. I don't show emotion really, I have the same straight face when I am in pain, happy, sad, or angry. It is not like I bottle it up inside me like, afraid to let it out, I just don't really show what I am feeling. I might express it with words or actions, but my face will remain the same. I am like a brick; if you chip at me enough, throw me around, and drop me a few times I might break. The only difference between me and a brick is the fact that my body is mostly made of water, and I do, believe it or not, have the ability to cry.

This saying good by, packing up all my stuff for good, and leaving the place that has been my home for three years makes me feel like I have been thrown around a lot. I might just break.

Feelings

I thought that finishing high school would feel different, feel like I was moving on to a new stage in my life, but in truth I feel nothing at all. I don't really feel happy, excited, sad or nervous, I feel exactly like I did at the end of grade 11. Maybe I am the only one who feels this way...

One more thing...

I have just one more thing left in my high school career, and it starts at 1pm Monday afternoon, a math exam. Am I ready? Nope. Will I be ready by Monday...maybe, but lets really hope for the glass half full side of maybe.

So long my Tigers

The last boarder's chapel is always a sad affair, especially this year because it is my turn to stand up when my name is called, my turn to graduate. Yet, this year, Mrs. Jackson made it more a fun affair. We did a flash mob at the end to "I've gotta feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas. (It is the same one Opra did.) It was really fun, and we danced the sadness away.

Purple foot

This title could have many connotations, but there is really only one denotation today. My foot is purple. Which, if you know me, isn't really a surprise. However, today my doctor drew on my foot with a purple skin marker to outline the "hypersensitive" area. Not only did he draw on my foot but he took a picture of it, and not just one picture, but three. Why? To e-mail them to a plastic surgeon of course! (Why would even ask such a silly question with such and obvious answer?)

All of these really fun treatments that I have been doing that involve a lot of large needles, (and no, not the acupuncture kind, those are puny compared to these suckers), didn't work. My only option now is surgery, Yipee!!!! 

Meetings, phone calls, conflicts

I decided to call a HOH meeting tonight, and I stupidly picked 10'oclock as the time. At 10'oclock all but grade 12s have to check in and go to their rooms, so the common room is free. However, I want to go to bed at 9. Not all that smart.

I also received an invitation yesterday to be part of the student panel at the Global Responsibilities Conference on Friday. I said yes, and then today I had a message on my phone for an over the phone job interview on Friday, at 2:30. Which of course, is during the conference. I really need a job, but I also made a commitment. What to do, what do.

So many conflicts have arisen. Off to my 10'oclock meeting. 

I love mathematics

Math is probably one of my favourite subjects, but I fell asleep today doing math in the library. I feel bad, Mrs. Abs would not be pleased, and she already said I am now failing math because I was wearing way too much orange for her liking yesterday during spirit day. What can I say, I have a lot of spirit, and sadly Mrs. Abs hates orange. I have yet to admit to her that orange is my favourite colour, my room at home is entirely orange, and to top it off, my favorite pair of cycling shorts also happens to be orange. I am planning on telling her this fact after she marks my final exam, and I also need to find an orange deck of cards that contains thirteen 2's. (The second part is going be a challenge, perhaps even more challenging than finding a strapless bra that will moderately fit me...)

Also, this blog spell check doesn't think that favourite and colour are words....they are.

Bust

Spirit day was a bust. It wasn't really very fun, everybody wanted to leave, 3/4 of the people who decided to show up did leave, and I really wanted to leave. The only good part was the Popsicle at the end.

The best part of my day was not the Popsicle though, but the nice surprise when I opened my container of almonds. Apparently the one chocolate cover almond that was amongst the regular almonds melted, leaving what was once a chocolaty covered nut, bare, and not so chocolaty. Yet, even though one almond lost it's chocolate, six others gained chocolate. After it melted, it then hardened, but six almonds were stuck in it, making it so I had a lot more deliciously chocolate coated almonds than I did before. Thank you chocolate covered almond for spreading the chocolaty goodness.

Currently there is a mass of people in black carrying instruments walking towards my house, it is a little frightening. KGB with instruments perhaps. Oh, and now they are entering my house, I'm not sure if I should be doing anything about this or not...I am still the head of house after all...hmm.... 

Check

I usually love long weekends. I get to go home, sleep a lot, eat a lot, watch more TV than I should and hang out with my family. Its pretty wicked.

This long weekend turned out differently. Originally I was supposed to come home early, but then I had to change my Bio exam. So I had to go home a day late. This weekend there was a kayaking festival in Pincher Creek, but I couldn't go because we had to go up to Whiteswan to turn the water on. So we did, but they couldn't turn the water on. No electricity and no running water...yay! Oh, did I mention that my older brother also came down from Vancouver this weekend? Yeah, so we had to share a bed because there are only two beds in out cabin. Neither of us slept. Oh, did I also mention that I got the flu? The flu worked to my advantage because we got to come home yesterday.

This weekend did not work out as planned. Plus, all my friends are off drunk in the bush somewhere because they graduate in two weeks, and that is what people do here before graduation. I never thought it was fun to go get drunk, in the cold, in a forest, in the middle of no where.

The one weekend that I come home, and  Check News films my team's training ride! What is this? May long weekend, not so fun.

Inspiration

Lately it has been difficult for me to find a topic or event to blog about, but I just found my inspiration in a package of look alike Hi-Chu candies. I went to get sushi at Fujiya with some friends after school today because we were all really hungry, (I haven't really been keen on eating lately, but that story might be told later). I bought some yam rolls, pocky and what I thought were mango Hi-Chu's. We walked briskly back from Fujiya, arranged the couches in the common room and ate sushi while watching Freedom Writers. (It is a very inspirational movie, yet it has nothing to do with my inspiration for this blog.) Basically, it was a pretty good after school time period, but then it all went down hill.

I was studying biology, listening to "Celebrity Status" by Marianis Trench on repeat. I don't know what it is about this song, but currently the rhythm and pace just fits me. I can't sit still, so I knock my knees together, and the song seems to be at the same tempo as my knee knocking, and the song rhythm fits my inconsistent heart rhythm. Anyway, back to the point, I was studying biology, and realized that I  had mango Hi-Chu's in my bag; I got up, went to my bag, fetched my nicely packaged candy, sat back down at my desk, and popped on into my mouth. They were not Hi-Chu's, they were not the chewy, artificially mango flavored candy that I longed for. Instead, they were hard, green, tasted vaguely of menthol and mango, but mostly they just tasted bad. I also offered one to my room-mate prior to ingesting one myself, needless to say, we both spat them into the garbage, and then tossed the rest of the package into the rubbish bin.

My inspiration for this blog is brought to you in part by deceitful, disgustingly flavored candy that ruined my night.

On a good note, I do need to mention that my cousin is incredible, and she earned herself a place at United World College. It is an outstanding accomplishment and honor; she is an amazing person, and someday I know that she will save the world. She is also my Inspiration.

90

I rode 90 km today. So I am tired, and tomorrow, I am going to be doing it again, but this time 45km of it will be on the Sooke road race course. In two weeks, there is a huge cycling festival, and one of the races is the Sooke road race, and Annie is not racing in the junior woman's category, which means I might just be able to win.

Lead Filled

I feel like my body has been packed full of lead. Its not that I am just tired, I am, but I also just feel like my limbs are heavy and awkward to move around. Writing is exhausting; moving that lead filled pencil across the page to make shapes and symbols to communicate my thoughts is awfully tiring. I feel like a pencil, but not just the little ones we use everyday, but one of those giant ones that you buy in dollar stores and at tacky gift shops. I feel like a giant pencil that takes two hands to scrawl two giant letters on a piece of paper.

On another note, tonight's boarding activity was a baking night in Brown Hall. We made cookies...or something that resembles cookies, but taste rather, well, almost like we filled them with lead instead of chocolate chips. Everything today seems to relate to lead...but the cookie part can be explained by some horrible error made by either Syd or myself. (Seeing as Syd isn't here, it is her fault, always blame the person who can't hear you.)

5 am wake up call

I haven't been sleeping much lately. This morning I got fed up with just lying around in bed, waiting for the clock to tell me it was an appropriate time to get up, so I went for a ride at 5:00. It was absolutely stunning outside at 5 in the morning. There was hardly any traffic, it wasn't too hot, too cold, or too windy, and the sun wasn't in my eyes. I could easily just ride in the middle of the road. It was a great start to my morning. Next time, as in tomorrow, I think I am going to try and eat a granola bar before I go though...I was pretty hungry by 6:30.

don't get

I really don't get this math homework. Although, I haven't been to class in a week. Looks like I will be spending my triple morning spare with Mrs. Abs!

"You were right, this is hard to do."

Instead of writing my AP biology exam this morning, I got needles stuck in me. I had another lumbar sympathetic block this morning. It hurt a lot, it wasn't really numb when they stuck the giant needles into my spine...I could feel it. The sedation drugs were kinda fun, they made me drool a bit though. I also got to see an old man's behind because he didn't have his gown closed...that didn't make me drool.

It took the IV nurse three tries to get the IV in, that just made me bleed, but I won two dollars, so it was kind of worth the pain. She told me that she could get it in with only one try. So I bet her a dollar for every try after the first one, like I said, I won two dollars and she agreed with my statement: "It is really hard to get an IV in my vein, they roll, and they are tiny."

I also didn't get into McMaster Health Sciences. I am glad. Guelph is where I belong I think, so I am glad the decision was made for me. I don't want to be part of a group of people who think they are better than everybody else because they have a 98 average, I'm honestly not that smart, and people who are that smart usually are just trying to be better the guy beside them. I just want to be doctor.

All in all, today was not such a bad day, after all, I did win two dollars.

Just tell me!

I applied to McMaster Health sciences, and according to the office of the registrar, they sent out all of their decisions on Friday. I didn't get mine.

Comic Relief

 I found myself watching Criminal Minds on CTV.ca after our final biology review last night, and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I was alone in my room, it was dark out side, and I was alone in my room watching Criminal Minds. I was scared; naturally I turned on every light in my room, (because scary things obviously can never happen when all the lights are on) and continued to watch it. After it was over, when it came to a 'happy' conclusion, I wasn't scared anymore, but I spent almost an entire hour looking behind my shoulder in case there was a serial killer be hind me, (it was always just my bed and posters staring back at me). I could of just stopped watching, but I really couldn't. Why is that? Why do we have this odd attraction to fear, watching people get murdered, and people catch murderers. If somebody has an answer to this question, please send it to me via messenger pigeon.

Apparently my blog is funny. Who knew?

"The grade 12 fell into a bush."

I went mountain biking yesterday with the middle school out at the "dump." (I'm not too sure why I just put the "dump" quotations because were literally out at the dump.) I'm not amazing at mountain biking, I'm a roadie, spandex and all, but I'm not horrible on a mountain bike. Yet, I was yesterday. I have clipless pedals on my mountain bike because I ride cross country and you can go a lot faster up hill.(As an aside: clipless pedals are not actually clipless...you have to clip into them, so your foot essentially become part of the pedal. I have no idea why they call them clipless, its a bit paradoxical.) I have not gone mountain biking with ten 12 year olds before, and I didn't think of the fact that they would be stopping and starting pretty much every 20 ft. Stopping and starting with clipless pedals basically is synonymous for crashing and getting stuck under your bike. I crashed more than all of the middle school kids, mostly in mud puddles, and once I fell into a bush.

Now you may be wondering if I am embarrassed?  I most certainly am.

"Do not discuss any of the written questions with anyone until 48 hours after the exam."

The first thing we did after our lit exam today was discuss the written questions with the doctor, our lit teacher. Don't report me to the Authority of Testing Integrity.

FYI, that lit exam was kind of stupid!

"You may not be able to answer all of the questions."

Why do they design exams in which only 1% of the world can actually answer all of the questions? I just don't get it.

The AB Calculus exam actually made me nauseous today, it was that hard. .

Stress

Just to solidify my point that I am about to make, it took me 5 tries to spell the word stress in the title. That is how stressed I am. Actually, I guess I kind of just made my point. I am stressed out!!!! Also, I haven't really slept properly in almost two full weeks because of pain, which most definitely adds to the stress levels. I also just found out that you can't bring food or water into an AP exam! How am I supposed to survive! The worst part is, I found that out after I made the best exam snack ever. Such is life.

APs and Fire Alarms

Seriously, what's with APs and fire alarms? Two years ago, the fire alarm went off in our building at 7:00 the morning of the AP lit exam. To continue this biyearly tradition, it went off last night at 3:40 in the morning. At least we didn't have school or an exam this morning, but still. Real fire alarms don't happen that often, but when they do they always seem to go off during AP season. Why?

May Day

Today is one of the best days of my SMUS career. Why? Well, we got our grad bears. Which sounds ridiculous, but I really like teddy bears, and when you are handed your grad bear, its like you are almost being handed the rest of your life. The grad bear marks the end of my journey at SMUS, and at the same time it a reminder that I am who I am because of SMUS.

Today is also May 1st, which means the month of APs is finally upon us. I diligently set out to study last night, and I went to the study/practice rooms in learning resources. After only half an hour, Glen the security guard came in and kicked me out. Apparently you are not aloud to study in learning resources because people might need to use the room to practice. It was Friday night, I was the only person in the building, all 5 practice rooms were empty down stairs. Nobody wanted to use that room to practice, and the library was closed, and I have the most distracting room on campus. Thankfully, Mr.Common was on duty and let me study in his  apartment.

3

So I got a 3 on my AP Calc AB mock exam. I thought I would have gotten a 2 because I didn't study and literally did not know how to do any of the written. But I got a 3. Guess I should put my head down and study, then I just might pull off a 4. That would be great.

I still think APs re stupid.

I'm over it

This is going to be a two part blog today, neither section will relate to each other.

1. I am totally over my freak out about deciding where to go to university. I declined U of T today and recycled my admission package. I tried to decline Queens, but apparently you can't do that, so I have to wait until the offer expires on Saturday. I am not going to McGill because it is too expensive, and I don't want to go to UVic. All that leaves is Guelph, where I originally wanted to go before I started to freak out. Next week I will find out about McMaster Health Sciences. I don't think I %100 want to go there anymore, on the off chance that I get in, I might just turn it down. Turning down McMaster Health sciences is almost the same as turning down Harvard...but, I don't want to go to Harvard. (Get the aphorism there?) So ya, I think I am okay now, my panic attack has ended.

2. Last year, I remember what it was like to be in "prefect nomination craze." When being voted a prefect was the only thing that started to matter, the only thing you think about, and the one thing that made you do things you wouldn't normally do. It didn't really happen to me. I wanted really badly, but I was determined to just be myself, and if I was meant to be a leader, people would see that and vote for me. It worked out pretty well. I am Head of House this year and therefore also a prefect, and it has be great. But it is not the end of the world if you are not, it is awesome if you are one, but not everything.

Right now, it is this year's grade 11's that are freakin' out, in my house especially. Some people are ending up in tears every night, other people hate each other. People are spreading roomers about roomers, gossiping, and people who were once best friends now hate each other. As head of house, I feel obligated to help sort it all out, but it isn't going over so well. It is mind blowing how wanting to be a prefect can cause people to be like this and do things they would never normally do.

Anyway...U of G!

May 1st

I thought that my deadline to respond to the offer from Queens was May 28...nope. It is May 1st. Now what!! If I want to go to Queens I will have to accept their offer, thus loosing my offer from Guelph because I already accepted them! AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHa

Queens

I kind of had a silent, internal panic attack tonight at the Queens University  accepted students information evening. I came the realization that I might actually want to go to Queens, but I still want to go to Guelph, and McGill, and I am waiting for a decision from McMaster Health Sciences. I won't here from McMaster until next Wednesday, and on the off chance I actually get in, it will probably be between McMaster and Guelph, yet I am now starting to reconsider Queens. Deciding what I want to study and do with my life was the easy part, but where do I go learn about it? Will one school help me get a higher average than the other, will one suit my personality better, and what about cycling? McGill has the best cycling team by far, its is the only varsity cycling team in Canada...they have their own bus and coach for goodness sake! Guelph is offering my the most money, but what if would like the program at McMaster better, or the campus life at Queens, or the cycling team at McGill!! I don't know what to do!!!!!!!! I am half hoping I don't get into to McMaster because that is one less choice that I have to make, but if I did get into Health Science I almost feel obligated to go because some people would donate organs to be in that program.

I never thought this would be so difficult...   

Self Amputation

Yup, I have consider it. Am I going to actually do it? Of course not, that would be disgusting and probably over all more painful. But I think the thought might just be instinctual. You know how dogs lick and chew at a sore because it hurts? Well, I have come to the conclusion that we have that same instinct...if it hurts a lot, just chop it off. Yet we resist because we have the ability to perform higher level thinking and we understand that a missing body part will not help us and will probably hurt more.

Where am I going with this? I'm actually not sure, all I know is that I have considered cutting my own foot off to stop the pain. The injections I had last Tuesday literally made the pain double and it hurts like a banshee to walk. I despise Dr. Selby. And my room-mate hid my knife.

Drowning

I am drowning in text books, note books, study guides, practice tests and stress. As a result, I haven't gotten anything done, I am going to fail these APs that cost $86 USD to write. The is the first and only time that I will ever type (or say): FML!

Why am I taking APs?

Okay, so I have come to the realization that I only have 14 days left before my first AP and I am screwed. I keep missing classes because of doctor appointments, I am so tired because of  taking Gabapentin and I don't see how I will possibly be able to manage a 4 let alone a 5 on any of my exams. This sucks. My stress levels are above what is medically safe.

oops

So I have been riding for about a year with a seat post on my bike that was 2.5inches too short. My coach pointed it out to me last Wednesday on a training ride. Apparently, my seat should have come off by now...I bought a new one this morning.

This is my old seat post...the bottom scratch line is where the clamp was...not good

I have no life...

It is Friday night, and the most exciting thin that happened was learning the word "mastication" in AP Bio. Yeah, we had and AP bio class for 2 hours...on a Friday night...and yes, I went to it. I have no life...

Ghana

They say that once you go to Africa, you are changed forever. I completely agree.
This spring break I had the opportunity to discover life in the African country of Ghana. I can honestly say that it was the best experience of my life. I changed in so many ways that I am still unsure how to express it with words.

I could tell you all of the things that we did while we were there, what life is like in Ghana, and about all of the things I experienced, but I won’t. The one thing that I realized during my time in Ghana, is that you can’t understand what Africa is like until you go there. I could write a 5000-word essay describing life in Africa, but I would never be able to fully express and capture the truth about what Africa is like.

We stayed in a small village in the eastern costal area (the Volta Region) called Atorkor. While we were there, we created a library from the 1500 books that were donated by a group of people in Tennessee. We ran out of shelves by about day four…and by the last week, I started to hate books. Yet, at the end of the day when the school let out, kids would swarm into the library to read and sign-out books. It made emptying and sorting through every book and cockroach-filled box worthwhile. To the kids in Atorkor, a library is something that they have never had; they have never seen a room full of books before. When I tell people that I worked in a library my entire spring break, to them it doesn’t seem like I really did a lot, but they weren’t there to see sixteen-year-old kids get excited about picture books.

Like I said before, Africa is not a place that you talk about, rather it is a place that you go to discover something about the world and about yourself. Seeing a kid become so excited about a book, about being able to play with a real soccer ball or seeing a picture of themselves is something you don’t see in Canada. In Ghana, they don’t take anything for granted, they appreciate the little things, they work together and they seem to always have a permanent and sincere smile spread across their faces.

I hope that one day I will be able to return to Africa because it is in my blood for life. Ghana has become a part of who I am, and I will never forget the experience that I had during March break of 2010.

.

This time next week...

Well, at this time next week, I will be on my way to Ghana! Yup, that is right, one more week.

The only problem is... I am having trouble to with the current pain medication I am taking. It is causing more pain than it is alleviating. Not the best time for this to be happening!!!!!

Excitement

Okay, so I just realized that today is March 1st! What does that mean? That means I am going to Ghana in 10 days! Just 10 days!! ...I'm already packed. I am so excited, but in a way that is not regular excited. It is the same kind of excited feeling that I had before the day I moved into my dorm room at boarding school. It is a nervous kind of excited, mixed with an I can't wait kind of excited, mixed with this is going to change my life excited. I don't know if that made any sense, it is hard to explain.

The concussion that I am still recovering from, plus the nerve pain drugs, plus being super excited to to go to Ghana is making concentrating on my school work very difficult! But hey, tonight I managed to finish the math take home test, even though there are questions on it that we were not supposed be able to do...I did them. And I got all caught up on my calculus homework...which is amazing because I suck at calculus and I generally don't understand my homework. And now I am going to read a head in chemistry, and study for my bio test...and I am jittering with anxious, nervous, life changing excitement.

Peace like a river!

P.E.

In theory, you would think that as the older you get, the more difficult PE would be come, but as as I sit here and try and do my math homework, I am distracted by the middle school students running around the driveway. When I think back to my grade 10 and 11 PE class, I don't think we ran nearly as much as these 8th graders have to.

Just some pointless musings...and a way for me to not do math. (I'm not a big fan of identities...).

Off to calculus!

Blogs

I don't really know why I have a blog...but I found out yesterday that nearly everybody does. I'm not sure why I like having a public journal, but I do. Obviously I'm not going to write about anything extremely personal, or anything that could possibly offend anybody, but I feel like it is a place where I can write anything I want. I truly am growing up in a social media world.

Oh, and only 11 more days until I go to Ghana!!!!! I am pretty stoked...except that I currently have post concussion syndrome..hopefully that will get better in the very near future.(One of the many joys of cycling is crashing...it is just part of the sport.)

Numb

I had a Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Block yesterday. How was it? Weird. For about four hours I was a total paraplegic...couldn't feel or move anything from the waste down. Apparently the numbness was only supposed to last about half an hour...four hours later... They said I would be ready to leave by 10 am...3:30 is more like it. Yesterday was weird...ketamine is trippy and epidurals are really quite painful.

I guess it is just another experience right? I think I have to do it again to...I don't really want to...it wasn't really fun...or nice...but if it helps the pain then I guess it is worth it.

GO Canada GO

The day I found out that Vancouver was hosting the 2010 Olympics, I was ecstatic. I thought it would be so cool to graduate the year that my province hosted the Winter Olympics...and it I was right.

This past weekend, I had the incredible fortune of being able to go to Vancouver and experience the spirit of 2010. I ran down the street next Wayne Gretzky as he carried the torch out of BC Place, I watched the Swedish Woman's hockey team beat Switzerland, I saw my first Ballet, waited in line to get into the Bay, and watched figure skaters fly through the air. It was a really cool experience, something that will only ever happen once; for three days I was a part of something so much bigger than myself.  

Right of Passage

There are certain things in life that you just have to do, and if you don't...well, then you miss out on a lot of stuff. And there are things that you just must do or else it is difficult to pass into the next stage in your life.

Last Thursday I passed my road test and got my N. I can now drive without an adult in the car...pretty scary, I know. But, it is just one of those things that every teenager has to do, it is something that has become a right of passage. Now...only if I had a car...

Change

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

This is a quote that reminds me that if I disagree with something, if I believe something is not right, then I have stop, go back to it and try to change it. Yet, I have encountered many things that I have tried my best to change, but have been highly unsuccessful. For example, studying plants. I do not find plants interesting, I do not find that the study of them is particularly beneficial to my life, and there is really nothing that I can do that will likely change this. Except, I have discovered that if I think about them differently, if I look at them for the true miracle that God created, then they suddenly become beautiful. They still are not interesting, nor does the study of them pertain much to my life, but I can appreciate them and I am beginning to love them to.


Today, I noticed that a particular activity that was intended to foster school spirit, made me quite upset. It was absolutely hilarious, but it made me mildly upset. Ben, the person who always runs this particular type of school spirit event only ever picks the same people to do it, only every grade 12's, and only ever day students. At first, I was mad at Ben, but then I realized that I wasn't upset with him, I just disagreed with what he was doing. So I decided to bring up in Prefect Council, do something about it instead of fester about it, and hopefully next Monday, the event will be inclusive rather than exclusive. If it is still the same, then I will just have to keep trying until I exhaust every opportunity to change it.



Change what you can, accept what you cannot, but always be the change.


-Kaylynn

6 months

In 6 months I graduate, move on from uniforms and away from the place that I have come to call home for the past three years. Going to SMUS, to boarding school, was the best gift my parents could have ever given me, and I only have 6 months of it left. Everybody wants to graduate, dream about it as a child, and my day seems to be arriving quickly. When I was little I couldn't wait to be in grade 12, to be one of the "big kids" like my brothers, and now I am.

I guess I'm not really done though...I want to be a doctor, so I have 8 years of school left, and two more graduations after this one. Over the next few months, which are going to fly by faster than I can flip the pages of a calender, all I can really do is make the most of my days as a SMUdent: study hard, reflect, train, experience and most importantly, laugh.

"Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference." ~Arie Pencovici

peace like a river,
kaylynn