I have been listening to a lot of Switchfoot lately, specifically their new album Vice Verses (if you haven't listened to it you should check it out because its wicked). Its helped me think things through a little bit, sometimes music does that.
I have come to the realization that I am depressed because I am tired of trying to pretend to the world and to my self that my pain doesn't exist. It does exist. If you are somebody who has chronic pain that is reading my blog then you are likely 100% familiar with this. See, for me, sometimes I think to myself that there is noway that this pain can be real, how can something that science can't explain, something that you can't see or understand hurt so much? It must not be real, if imagine that its not then it won't be, and if I hide the pain from people around me then they won't know that it exists, which will give me more reason to believe it isn't real right? Wrong.
Before Dec. 19th, before I saw the surgeon in Vancouver I thought I had CRPS II, which is essentially something that you can't every really get rid of, if you are lucky you might get 2 years where you go into remission.To me, this type of disease seems like something that cannot possibly exist. No origin, no defined treatment, not certainty of a cure...seems like something that shouldn't exist right (it is real thing, just nobody can really explain how it happens quite yet)? Well, it does, but now that I have been diagnosed with a "Persistent Neuroma Syndrome" it made it real. A neuroma is something that is tangible, it has an origin, therefore the pain has an origin, therefore I can't pretend like it doesn't exist anymore because my logic is no longer an escape route.
Basically I have been hit the face with the truth, that my pain is 110% real. (Please don't get the impression that CRPS pain is not real, it is, very, very, very much so, it is just hard to grasp where the pain comes from using logic, I guess that is why they call it Complex Region Pain Syndrome...cuz its too complex for the most intelligent among us.) The diagnosis of a persistent neuroma syndrome is very much a blessing because it means that surgery is a treatment option for me, it also means that I could wake up from surgery completely pain free (well, obviously surgery is painful, but I mean after all that heals). At the same time, I have been forced to admit that my pain is not a figment of my imagination.
I've been fighting things I can't see. Thrive, by Switchfoot.
I have come to the realization that I am depressed because I am tired of trying to pretend to the world and to my self that my pain doesn't exist. It does exist. If you are somebody who has chronic pain that is reading my blog then you are likely 100% familiar with this. See, for me, sometimes I think to myself that there is noway that this pain can be real, how can something that science can't explain, something that you can't see or understand hurt so much? It must not be real, if imagine that its not then it won't be, and if I hide the pain from people around me then they won't know that it exists, which will give me more reason to believe it isn't real right? Wrong.
Before Dec. 19th, before I saw the surgeon in Vancouver I thought I had CRPS II, which is essentially something that you can't every really get rid of, if you are lucky you might get 2 years where you go into remission.To me, this type of disease seems like something that cannot possibly exist. No origin, no defined treatment, not certainty of a cure...seems like something that shouldn't exist right (it is real thing, just nobody can really explain how it happens quite yet)? Well, it does, but now that I have been diagnosed with a "Persistent Neuroma Syndrome" it made it real. A neuroma is something that is tangible, it has an origin, therefore the pain has an origin, therefore I can't pretend like it doesn't exist anymore because my logic is no longer an escape route.
Basically I have been hit the face with the truth, that my pain is 110% real. (Please don't get the impression that CRPS pain is not real, it is, very, very, very much so, it is just hard to grasp where the pain comes from using logic, I guess that is why they call it Complex Region Pain Syndrome...cuz its too complex for the most intelligent among us.) The diagnosis of a persistent neuroma syndrome is very much a blessing because it means that surgery is a treatment option for me, it also means that I could wake up from surgery completely pain free (well, obviously surgery is painful, but I mean after all that heals). At the same time, I have been forced to admit that my pain is not a figment of my imagination.
I've been fighting things I can't see. Thrive, by Switchfoot.
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