It has taken me longer than I though it would to write this, but midterms seriously suck! I just finished a week from the underworld...but now its reading week so I can catch up on organic chemistry which I haven't even looked at since I wrote the last post.
With pain comes a lot of crappy stuff, but if I look deep into how it has affected my life, there are some positive things.
1. It has made me a more empathetic person. When I see a picture of somebody with terrible burns, or injuries or a disease all I can think about is how much pain they must be in. Most people's first reaction is the 'ewwww' reaction, when I see the picture it makes me nauseous not because it doesn't look pleasant but because it is like I can almost feel their pain. It makes me want to do nothing but help the person in the picture, to help ease their pain.
2. I have always wanted to be a doctor, from wanting to be a surgeon, to an oncologist, to working with Doctors Without Boarders, but now I want to research peripheral nerve injury and nerve regeneration. Living with pain and nerve trauma has made me realize how badly I don't want anybody to have to go through what I am going through, I want to find a way to regenerate peripheral nerves so that people can be liberated from both disability and pain. I don't think I have ever been more passionate about doing something before. I have even decided what school I want to my MD/Phd at and what school I want to do my masters at and what doctors I want to work under. My own pain has made me realize that as much as I wish I could wake up pain free, I want others to have that chance even more.
3. God. While pain may make me doubt the existence of God sometimes, or make me angry with him, it also brings me closer. Sometimes when the pain is unbearable, God is the only comfort I have. Chronic pain has made me a more spiritual person, even if it also makes me hate God sometimes.
4. I'm disabled. That would for the most part be seen as a negative, except for the fact that it has allowed me to take a step out of the able bodied world and into the world of the disabled. (I hate the word disabled, for we are not 'less' able than anybody else.) I discovered that is not people who are disabled, but it is the world that makes them so. It has changed my whole view on how I see people. I no longer see somebody in a wheelchair as disabled or somebody with a mental handy cap as less intelligent, I see them as somebody trying to make their way through a world that was designed by and for people with nothing more than a little stress to deal with in their lives.
5. I don't worry as much about the little things anymore, grades are still what I worry about the most, but I don't get all stressed out when I am late for something or when something doesn't go as planned. I know now that life doesn't go according to plan, and just because it doesn't, it doesn't mean that it isn't turning out how it should.
6. I am a lot more willing to let life take me where it wants to, and I have stopped resisting the tide. This is something that I have learned directly through dealing with pain. When you resist pain, it makes it worse, it lasts longer and it feels like you are in a battle for your life. When you let the intense bouts of pain run their course, and just breath through it and think of other things like riding a bike it makes it a lot better. Pain has taught me to stop resisting life's path, and to let life take me where ever it wants to go.
7. I have met people that I would have never met without being in pain. I have met wonderful doctors who have inspired me, and other people dealing with either pain, illnesses or a disability who have showed me that I am ABLE to anything regardless of the obstacles that are put in my way.
8. I actually became a better cyclist. Cycling does cause more pain, but it also helps me deal with the pain. If I have a rough day, or a terrible night, getting on my bike is the only thing that helps. The more you ride, the faster you get, so the more pain am in, the faster I get.
9. Pain has made me a more determined person. When I was in grade 10, I was in my physics class room one lunch hour trying to build a rather tricky circuit. I just couldn't do it. I gave up and kind of flung the half built circuit across the lab bench. I was not aware that my teacher had been observing the whole time, but then he said "That's not like you to give up." I will never forget that moment, because I looked at him, I didn't say anything, and I picked up the circuit and I kept trying. Eventually I got it, and from that day on I have never given up on anything. Chronic pain is probably the biggest challenge of my life, but is just like the circuit. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but I know that if I don't give up eventually I will overcome the challenge.
10. I don't have a number 10. I can't have a number 10 because my journey through life isn't over yet, in fact, some would say it is just beginning. Having chronic pain has changed me in a lot of ways, many of them bad and many of them good, and it will continue to shape me and my life. I can't have a number 10 because I haven't beaten the pain yet.
With pain comes a lot of crappy stuff, but if I look deep into how it has affected my life, there are some positive things.
1. It has made me a more empathetic person. When I see a picture of somebody with terrible burns, or injuries or a disease all I can think about is how much pain they must be in. Most people's first reaction is the 'ewwww' reaction, when I see the picture it makes me nauseous not because it doesn't look pleasant but because it is like I can almost feel their pain. It makes me want to do nothing but help the person in the picture, to help ease their pain.
2. I have always wanted to be a doctor, from wanting to be a surgeon, to an oncologist, to working with Doctors Without Boarders, but now I want to research peripheral nerve injury and nerve regeneration. Living with pain and nerve trauma has made me realize how badly I don't want anybody to have to go through what I am going through, I want to find a way to regenerate peripheral nerves so that people can be liberated from both disability and pain. I don't think I have ever been more passionate about doing something before. I have even decided what school I want to my MD/Phd at and what school I want to do my masters at and what doctors I want to work under. My own pain has made me realize that as much as I wish I could wake up pain free, I want others to have that chance even more.
3. God. While pain may make me doubt the existence of God sometimes, or make me angry with him, it also brings me closer. Sometimes when the pain is unbearable, God is the only comfort I have. Chronic pain has made me a more spiritual person, even if it also makes me hate God sometimes.
4. I'm disabled. That would for the most part be seen as a negative, except for the fact that it has allowed me to take a step out of the able bodied world and into the world of the disabled. (I hate the word disabled, for we are not 'less' able than anybody else.) I discovered that is not people who are disabled, but it is the world that makes them so. It has changed my whole view on how I see people. I no longer see somebody in a wheelchair as disabled or somebody with a mental handy cap as less intelligent, I see them as somebody trying to make their way through a world that was designed by and for people with nothing more than a little stress to deal with in their lives.
5. I don't worry as much about the little things anymore, grades are still what I worry about the most, but I don't get all stressed out when I am late for something or when something doesn't go as planned. I know now that life doesn't go according to plan, and just because it doesn't, it doesn't mean that it isn't turning out how it should.
6. I am a lot more willing to let life take me where it wants to, and I have stopped resisting the tide. This is something that I have learned directly through dealing with pain. When you resist pain, it makes it worse, it lasts longer and it feels like you are in a battle for your life. When you let the intense bouts of pain run their course, and just breath through it and think of other things like riding a bike it makes it a lot better. Pain has taught me to stop resisting life's path, and to let life take me where ever it wants to go.
7. I have met people that I would have never met without being in pain. I have met wonderful doctors who have inspired me, and other people dealing with either pain, illnesses or a disability who have showed me that I am ABLE to anything regardless of the obstacles that are put in my way.
8. I actually became a better cyclist. Cycling does cause more pain, but it also helps me deal with the pain. If I have a rough day, or a terrible night, getting on my bike is the only thing that helps. The more you ride, the faster you get, so the more pain am in, the faster I get.
9. Pain has made me a more determined person. When I was in grade 10, I was in my physics class room one lunch hour trying to build a rather tricky circuit. I just couldn't do it. I gave up and kind of flung the half built circuit across the lab bench. I was not aware that my teacher had been observing the whole time, but then he said "That's not like you to give up." I will never forget that moment, because I looked at him, I didn't say anything, and I picked up the circuit and I kept trying. Eventually I got it, and from that day on I have never given up on anything. Chronic pain is probably the biggest challenge of my life, but is just like the circuit. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel, but I know that if I don't give up eventually I will overcome the challenge.
10. I don't have a number 10. I can't have a number 10 because my journey through life isn't over yet, in fact, some would say it is just beginning. Having chronic pain has changed me in a lot of ways, many of them bad and many of them good, and it will continue to shape me and my life. I can't have a number 10 because I haven't beaten the pain yet.
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