Thoughts

Everyday there are certain things that I think about on an almost clock like cycle: eating, homework/school, ways to regrow nerves, eating, biking, eating, and homework. You would think that my mind would be constantly focused and consumed by the pain I am in every minute of every day, but its not, I rarely think about the pain. Yes, I perceive agonizing pain every waking and sometimes sleeping minute of my life, but I don't actively think about it. I find that odd, that I am somehow able to block out my ability to reason why I am in pain. I figured it was because I have just come to terms with the fact that my leg will feel like its being cut open by a scalpel forever, but I don't think that is true. Lately I have been thinking about one thing more than I have been thinking about food (which might explain the weight loss),  amputation.

I know my options for treatment are running out, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in pain knowing that there might have been a solution to end my pain, even if it means hacking off my leg. Every time I think about it, (which has been a lot seeing as it have now surpassed my thoughts about food) I weigh the positives with the negatives. They always end up cancelling each other out, leaving me at a net score of zero. Then I forget about for a few hours, and then come back to it trying to approach the idea at some sort of new angle, trying to add in pros and cons to maybe tip the scales. So far, I end up with a score of 5 for hacking and 5 for keeping, which is a tie.

Unfortunately, we don't have shootouts in decision making.